Truth Hurts
by PrehistoricCat
Summary: Abby has been keeping the real events surrounding Tom's death secret until her nightmares force her to think about them again.  The truth will devastate Connor, can she tell him?


**Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, no copyright intended**

**A/N: This has been sat on my laptop half finished for months. For some reason, I felt the need to complete it. Comments are always welcome._  
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><p><em>He had her pinned to the ground; his knees holding her thighs apart, one hand holding both her wrists above her head and his other hand desperately fumbling at the button on her jeans. He was too strong but it didn't stop her from trying to break free from him. She wriggled and fought against him, but he just tightened his grip even more.<em>

"_Abby!" he growled, "I'm sorry, I can't fight it. I don't know what's wrong with me."_

_She stared up into his eyes and realised it wasn't him; it was like he was possessed by something. That made it even more frightening._

"_You can fight it!" she gasped. "Please! It doesn't have to be like this!"_

_He let out a loud scream and for a moment she thought he'd won his battle. He shook his head and tears formed in his eyes. "I'm sorry."_

"_Tom, noooooo!"_

Abby sat up in bed with a start, sweat pouring down her face and her heart pounding hard. She glanced around her; Connor was beside her and they were safely in their bed.

"Abs? You OK?" Connor muttered, sitting up and stroking her back tenderly.

"Yeah, sorry. Just a nightmare that's all. Go back to sleep, I'll be OK in a minute."

"Want to talk about it? Sometimes it helps."

Abby looked at Connor's concerned face. Normally she'd be willing to share her fears with him; ever since they had got together in the Cretaceous, they found that talking through their nightmares helped them to make sense of them. But this one was different; this would devastate him.

It had been a long time since this particular memory had surfaced, and she could only guess that seeing Duncan again had stirred things up in her head. Professor Cutter had been the only one that knew the full truth about what had happened that day, and he had agreed with her that the detail should be removed from the official report for Connor's sake. Cutter had been wonderful; he made sure she was OK and that she got the medical attention she needed. He'd even offered to find a counsellor if she wanted one; but she had refused. She'd been through all of that before and it felt like she was taking a step backwards. Cutter understood, he didn't push her.

Abby slid herself out of the bed and padded slowly into the kitchen. She turned on the tap and filled a glass with water. The cool liquid soothed her and she could feel her heart rate slowing down. She could deal with this just like she had back then.

Connor was suddenly behind her, his hands circling her waist and planting soft kisses on her neck and shoulder. "What was it? A Raptor?" he whispered.

"Mm." Abby did not want to get into a discussion.

"Yeah, the evil little buggers keep cropping up in my dreams too. It's OK you know, doesn't make you weak to have nightmares about what happened to us."

Abby shrugged him off, then she regretted it when she saw the hurt in his eyes. "Connor, it was just a bad dream about something I'd rather forget. Can we drop it?" She rested her head against his chest and Connor began to stroke her hair.

"If that's what you want." He kissed the top of her head then released her. "I'm going back to bed, are you coming?"

Abby smiled and nodded, then followed him.

-o-

"_He raped you?" Cutter's kind, concerned voice echoed around the silence of the medical room. Abby could only nod. When Cutter put his arms around her and pulled her to his chest, she finally let out the tears she'd tried desperately to hide from Connor and Stephen back at the football ground. Fortunately, the focus was on Connor in the immediate aftermath; Tom was his friend and he had died in his arms. They'd all gone back to the office and Abby had disappeared into a quiet side office. They'd all assumed she'd gone home and left Connor, so Stephen said he'd take Connor back to the flat and let Cutter do the report on the day's events for Lester – somehow he had to explain how Tom had died and how they'd managed to lose Helen in the process as well. Cutter had found Abby and got her to open up._

"_We should get you some medical attention," Cutter said, taking charge. _

"_I'm OK, he didn't hurt me." Abby knew her voice didn't sound like her own._

"_It's best to be sure, eh?" Cutter smiled and stroked the young girl's hair. Abby smiled back and allowed him to put his arm around her shoulder as they made their way along the corridor. She'd warmed to Cutter right from the start, but now she liked him even more – he was like the father she wished she'd had as a child._

_The examination at the hospital was embarrassing but a necessity. Abby had been in this situation before, except when she was 14 she had been hurt. She'd realised after the 3rd time that shutting yourself off, detaching the emotional from the physical and not putting up a fight made the ordeal end so much quicker and with less pain. That's what she'd done the moment she'd heard the sound of the zipper on Tom's jeans. _

_After being given a clean bill of health, Cutter said he'd drive Abby home. The journey was in near silence until they drove past a drive-thru McDonalds. "I don't know about you," Cutter said. "But I'm starving. Fancy a burger?"_

_They sat inside and Cutter started talking about nothing in particular. Abby knew he was trying to help her to relax and open up about what had happened; she wanted to but saying the words was difficult. Maybe the easiest way was to just say it?_

"_He said that he wanted to get rid of whatever it was inside him that was making him do things. He thought if he..." Abby took a deep breath. "He thought he could pass it on to me."_

"_You have to remember that he wasn't himself. That thing took away pretty much everything that was the Tom our Connor knew." Cutter stroked Abby's hand._

"_I know." She sighed again. "Does he have to know? Connor I mean. He's upset as it is; if he knew what Tom did to me..."_

"_It can be our secret, Abby. Connor lost a good friend today, there's no need to taint his memory with this."_

"_But it'll be in the report... if Connor reads it..."_

"_I can leave out this detail; it only needs to go in if you mention it."_

_Abby was grateful; Cutter was a kind and understanding man._

"Penny for them?" Connor's voice interrupted Abby's thoughts.

"What?"

"You were miles away." Connor kissed her cheek. "You OK? You've been a bit quiet the last few days."

"I was just thinking about Cutter that's all." She closed her eyes and willed Connor not to press any further.

"Yeah, seeing Duncan the other day got me thinking about stuff too. I'd like to go and visit Tom's grave; I've not been since the funeral."

Abby felt sick at the mention of that name. "Perhaps you could take Duncan? It sounds like he's had problems moving on too. Might do him good." She hoped Connor wouldn't suggest she went with him; how could she explain why she couldn't?

"Yeah, you're right. I've been a terrible friend to Duncan and it's time I took a bit of responsibility for what happened to him and Tom."

"It wasn't your fault they decided to follow you and take that Dodo," Abby sighed. They'd been through this conversation so many times.

"I know, I know! But if I'd kept my mouth shut like I was supposed to... Anyway, I'll see if Duncan wants to come to the cemetery with me tomorrow. It would have been Tom's birthday."

Abby listened to Connor making arrangements with Duncan to meet up, go to the cemetery and then go and have a pint and pizza somewhere. She was making plans of her own; to stay out of their way as much as possible. At one point she heard her name mentioned and Connor said she would pick Duncan up and drive them up to the cemetery. Abby had tried to protest, but couldn't come up with something else that she was doing quickly enough. It was arranged; she would be their taxi service for the day. So much for staying out of their way.

-o-

Connor had spent longer than usual in the bathroom and now he was fussing over what he should wear. If Abby wasn't feeling so sick she'd be amused by his behaviour. Connor rarely went to any kind of trouble unless she nagged him. "When we used to go and visit me Gran's grave, we had to dress up smart," he said. "Out of respect or something. I always wondered why it mattered what we wore because she wouldn't be able to see or anything."

"I'm sure it'll be fine if you're just wearing your jeans and t-shirt. You and Duncan wouldn't be comfortable going out afterwards in shirt and tie," Abby said.

Connor nodded and rubbed his chin. "Should I have a shave or not?"

Abby leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I kind of like the stubble, you know that!" She glanced at her watch. "We need to be leaving in 10 minutes; you told Duncan we'd be picking him up at ten o clock."

"I won't bother with a shave then." He grabbed his jacket from the hook and sighed. "Thanks for this, Abby. It means a lot to me and Duncan to do this." Abby reached for his hand and squeezed it before moving away to get her car keys. She had to put her own feelings to one side today; this was about Connor and Duncan moving on.

They drove to Duncan's in near silence. Connor was fidgety, and just for once Abby let him fiddle with the CD player to find a track he wanted to listen to. Duncan was waiting for them on the corner of the street as arranged and he slid into the back seat. He seemed even more agitated than Connor and Abby was grateful that Connor had finally found a track he liked on the CD to break the awkward silence.

She parked up outside the gates to the cemetery and watched Connor and Duncan get out. "You coming, Abs?" Connor said. She'd been dreading him asking.

"It doesn't feel right, Connor. I hardly knew him. You two go in, I'll wait as long as you need me to."

"Connor and I discussed this, didn't we Conn?" Duncan said. "You're Connor's girlfriend, and Tom would want you to be a part of this."

Connor nodded. "Really, you wouldn't be intruding. We want you to be there too."

Abby closed her eyes. She couldn't do this; she couldn't stand by his grave and pretend that there was nothing wrong. She snapped. "Connor, I told you at the flat, I'm happy to chauffeur the pair of you around today as much as you want me to... but that's as far as it goes. Please don't push for anything else."

"OK." Connor was hurt, Abby could see it in his eyes. She hated doing this, but the truth would hurt even more.

She sighed, and softened her voice. "I'll be waiting here for you when you're done. Take as long as you need." She squeezed his hand and then watched him turn and follow Duncan through the iron gates.

"_We seem to be spending a lot of time at funerals recently," Cutter commented. "I knew this job was dangerous, but I never thought it would be Stephen that would..." He blinked and cleared his throat. Abby stroked his shoulder, not knowing what to say. He patted her hand a couple of times then forced a smile. "How's Connor doing?"_

"_He's OK. It's been a tough few weeks for him."_

_Cutter nodded. "It's not that long ago that we thought it would be your funeral we'd be attending."_

_Abby bowed her head and swallowed nervously. Things had been a bit of a rush since that terrible day and she felt guilty that she'd never really thanked Connor for saving her life; but she also knew mentioning it would drag another issue to the front, and she wasn't sure she was ready to address the fact that Connor had declared that he loved her. She'd always known he had, but hearing him say it had shaken her to the core. _

"_Poor kid's been through so much; more than men double his age. Does he ever talk about his friend, Tom?"_

"_No, I think he's just tried to push all of that to the back of his head."_

"_And you? You had a tough time of it as well. Did you ever tell Connor what really happened that day?" Abby lifted her head and looked Cutter in the eyes. "I guess not. Maybe you should. The pair of you have both moved forward, you're more mature... He cares about you, Abby, and I know he was worried that you didn't realise that. Life's too short to not talk about things that really matter."_

"_Perhaps one day," Abby said softly. The hearse carrying Stephen's coffin arrived, and Cutter went to greet it as he would be accompanying it into the church. Abby watched, then her eyes sought out Connor and she slowly made her way over to him... _

As Abby watched Connor and Duncan disappear over the brow of the hill, she wondered if Cutter was right and she should tell Connor what had really happened the day Tom died. Life was too short, and she'd told Connor pretty much everything else about her past. But how did she even start to tell him? Now didn't seem an appropriate time; today was about remembering him and moving on. Abby decided that she would tell Connor when the time was right and suddenly it felt like a weight had lifted from her shoulders. The truth had been a heavy burden that she'd been carrying all this time without her realising.

-o-

The afternoon pub crowd was quiet. The lunchtime rush had already passed and they were lucky to still be served a meal. Duncan and Connor had relaxed now and were reminiscing about their time at University. Abby listened with some degree of envy; her own time at University had been short lived and tainted with debts and loneliness. Her experiences as a teenager had meant she struggled to trust people and anyone who tried to befriend her met with resistance. Eventually, people stopped trying. It was meant to be a fun and carefree time, but it was a nightmare for Abby, and getting the job at Wellington zoo had been the lifeline she needed to escape.

"We had some good times, didn't we Conn?" Duncan leaned back and pushed away his empty plate.

"The best!" Connor reached for Abby's hand and squeezed it. "And there's better still to come."

"Tom would've been gobsmacked about you two getting together," Duncan nodded at their entwined hands. "That day we took Conn to your flat and you answered the door..." he stopped and blushed. "Tom and I both thought you were pretty hot."

"Stop it!" Abby had had enough. "I don't want to hear another word!"

Connor looked at her with a hurt look on his face. "Abby?"

She released his hand and stood up. "I need some fresh air," she said quickly and practically ran to get out of the pub. She didn't dare look back because Connor's expression would tear her apart. She hated doing this to him after promising that she wouldn't put up any more emotional barriers against him. He was be so confused right now, but she couldn't stand to hear any more of the conversation.

There was a spare table at the side of the pub, away from the gazes of people passing by in the street. There was the slight stench of cigarette smoke in the air and normally Abby would avoid the smoking area, but she needed to be alone to try and shake away the bad memories spinning around her head.

She had no idea how long she'd been sat there with her head buried in her hands leaning on the table, but she suddenly became aware of Connor's presence. He was sat in silence next to her, his knee brushing against hers under the table but not daring to get any closer. She lifted her head to look at him and tried to force a weak smile. "Sorry," she muttered.

"S'OK. Duncan's got a taxi home. He thinks you're not feeling very well and didn't want to impose on you any more." He tentatively stroked Abby's back, as if waiting for her to snap at him and push him away.

"I ruined your afternoon, I'm just being silly and I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise." She placed her hand over his.

"Whatever it is, Abby, I want to help. Something's been eating at you for days now, ever since that bad dream you had." Connor held Abby's gaze for a moment. She knew he cared about her so deeply and would stop at nothing to try and make her happy.

"Let's go home," she whispered finally. "We need to talk, but not here."

The drive home was even more awkward than the one earlier in the day. Abby could see that Connor was worried; he had that look on his face like a kicked puppy that didn't understand what he'd done wrong. He was blinking rapidly too, forcing himself not to cry. He followed her up the stairs into the flat in silence too, pausing only to pick up a pile of mail from the kitchen worktop that Jess had left for them and then heading straight to their bedroom. It was the only private place they had for the moment.

Abby sat on the end of the bed, trying to work up the courage to say what she had to say. The words were going to hit him hard, and if he looked upset now it was nothing compared to how he'd look in a few minutes from now. Connor didn't know where to sit, and chose to simply lean against the door, arms folded. His stance was defensive, readying himself for bad news.

"I can take it, Abby," he said, swallowing nervously. "If this is the end for us, then I'd rather know now than later."

Abby closed her eyes and practically kicked herself. Why hadn't she realised that would be what he was thinking? "It's nothing like that, Connor. At least, not as far as I'm concerned. You might change your mind when you hear what I have to say."

Connor let out a gasp of air, the relief obvious. He settled himself next to Abby on the bed. "I'm listening. No judging; the past is the past Abby, and it can't be changed so there's no point dwelling on it."

"I haven't been completely honest with you," Abby began. Connor's face twitched and she felt a pain in her chest as if someone was stabbing a knife into her heart. "Tom... that day with the dodos. When he came to find me and chased me..." Could she say the words? They were sticking in her throat and almost choking her. She felt Connor edge closer, his shoulder touching hers and his warm breath against her face. It was comforting.

"He did more than just chase me."

"Did he hurt you?" She saw Connor's hand grip the bed covers tightly. She shook her head. "Then what?"

"That thing... the parasite that was altering his mind... he wasn't himself. He just wanted to get rid of it, and all other ways he'd tried hadn't worked." Abby could feel Tom's hands on her now, pawing at her clothes.

"Get rid of it? How?" Connor's voice faltered, his entire body trembling and his eyes wet with unshed tears. The realisation of what Abby was telling him was slowly dawning on him and it hurt.

"He had me pinned to the floor; he was too strong for me to fight off and he couldn't stop it either. The moment he... it lasted only a second... and then he released my wrists and I managed to crawl away. He came after me and moments later we were out on the football pitch. The rest you know."

Connor stood up and moved to the window, leaning against the sill. "My friend raped you, and all this time you've been sat there listening to me and Duncan going on and on about what a wonderful person he was?" Connor was shaking his head in disbelief. "You kept it to yourself all this time?"

"Cutter knew. He looked after me."

"It should have been me looking after you, Abby! You should've told me! Cutter should've told me! Why didn't you?" Connor turned angrily to face Abby. He rarely lost his temper, so when he did it had a huge impact. His voice almost seemed to echo around the silence of the room.

"Because we knew this would be how you'd react!" Abby sobbed. "We didn't want your memories of your friend tainted in any way by what he did to me whilst he wasn't in control of his own mind." She reached out her hand for Connor's; she needed his embrace and his warmth and she guessed he needed hers, but he refused it and moved towards the door. "Connor?"

"I need to go out. I can't deal with this right now!" The bedroom door slammed shut and Abby found herself staring at it numbly.

-o-

"_A word of advice, Abby," Cutter said, placing his hand on Abby's shaking shoulder. "He only fusses over you like that because he cares. Don't be so hard on him."_

_Abby shrugged Cutter away and scowled. "I don't need Connor Temple, or anyone else for that matter, looking after me! I've managed perfectly well all these years, I haven't suddenly become an invalid just because Connor thinks he might be in love with me!"_

_Cutter laughed. "And you're not the slightest bit interested in him? I've watched you two recently."_

"_I fell down the stairs and bumped my head, that's all. I've had worse."_

"_And you didn't answer my question." The amusement in Cutter's eyes made Abby's temper soften. "Remember what we talked about at Stephen's funeral; about life being too short not to talk about the important stuff?" Abby nodded. "Stop fighting it and let Connor in. He's a decent kid with a heart of gold... and incredibly sensitive. He takes everything personally, and your constant dismissal of the way he feels is hurting him more than you realise."_

"_I don't want to hurt him...I just... It's hard, Professor."_

"_I know. But, we could all die tomorrow and he would never know that you actually do have feelings for him. Don't let that happen. Talk to him." Cutter's hand moved back to her shoulder just as the anomaly alarm went off._

Abby blinked and wiped her tear-stained cheeks. That conversation had been the last proper one she'd had with Cutter. The anomaly was at the hospital, and later that day Cutter had been shot dead by Helen. His words resonated now... Connor did take everything to heart and blamed himself. He'd been gone for hours and wasn't answering his phone. No doubt he was somewhere, trying to work out how he could have stopped Tom from raping her – he already blamed himself for Tom's death and this latest piece of information would simply add to that guilt.

It was dark outside and she thought about calling the police. The state he'd been in when he left... Abby didn't want to even go there. She'd hoped he might still be wearing a black box so they could track where he was, but Jess had looked and all of them had been checked back in and were charging up in the office. Did she call Matt? She wasn't quite sure about him yet, and certainly didn't want to make him think Connor might be mentally unstable when he'd only just got his job back. Becker might help...

The door of the flat clicked open and a slightly sheepish Connor crept through. Abby ran over and hugged him, flinging her arms around his body so tightly he let out an 'oomph'. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick!"

"I've been down in the archives of all the stuff they brought over from the old ARC. I pulled out the file on Tom's death."

Abby took Connor's hand and guided him to the sofa. "That couldn't have been easy reading?"

"I needed to know that I hadn't missed the fact he... did that to you. If I'd known about it, I'd have..." Connor sighed. "I don't know what I'd have done, but I would have been there for you."

"Cutter said that unless I put it in my account of events, he wouldn't mention it either. It was irrelevant in the grand scheme of things that day."

"The post mortem report was there. I couldn't bring myself to read it before. It said that his central nervous system had been pretty much destroyed. His mind wasn't his own... his final actions were not those of a well man." Connor sighed and pulled Abby to rest against his chest, circling his arm around her shoulders.

"That's how I've managed to deal with this all this time," Abby whispered. "He was sick; he wasn't Tom. You have to remember that too. Keep your happy memories of him... and understand why I feel a little uncomfortable about it."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you into joining me and Duncan."

"You didn't know, and maybe I should have told you before now. It was pushed to the back of my head until recently, so I've not really processed it properly either. I have to separate out Tom the good guy and friend from the monster that attacked me too. Maybe you can help me with that? I'd like to hear more about the things you three got up to!"

Connor kissed the top of her head. "I'd like that. Might be good for both of us. Although, there are some things it's perhaps best I don't tell you. Some of the stuff we did is really not suitable for sharing with my girlfriend!" The smile that spread across his face made Abby smile too.

It was going to be OK.


End file.
